im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
