last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
