The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
