sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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