toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
