Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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