I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
