Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
