Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
