my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
