I feel like abortions should bother me more
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize