My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
