I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
