omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
