Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
