Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
