I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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