please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize