i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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