i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
