I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
