Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
