Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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