I want to walk on stilts...naked
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
