Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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