found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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