I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
