I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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