I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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