This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
