im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
