it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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