The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
