Already got asked if we're dating
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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