i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
