I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize