My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
