She's JV to your varsity
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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