You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
