I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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