Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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