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Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
