the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize