Can Purell be used as lube?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
