All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
