she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize