Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
