Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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