Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
