please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
