I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
