I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
