Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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