god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
