i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize