Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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