i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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