every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
