You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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