I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I believe in your delicious
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
