I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
