i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
someone owes me an orgasm
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I am full of burrito and curiosity
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
