apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
