it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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